| Current mood: |  contemplative |
Coping Lessons, 2006
On the positive side, it has been a fantastic year. I learned about depression, what it means, and how I have it. This is like a 15 year breakthrough, a first for my adult life and an identification of an issue. Issues can't be resolved until they are first identified, and it's a huge relief to gain understanding here.
As far as lessons learned, I learned that Depression fucking sucks and I've got it for the rest of my life, so I better deal. I have a feeling, though I'm not sure, that I will never experience happiness, motivation and productivity in the same way that many other people do. On those days, several times a month, where getting out of bed seems impossible and nothing seems worth doing, getting through the day will require superhuman effort on my part.
I'm pretty sure that my happiest life would be with a highly extroverted alpha female, someone smart and effective, a woman with no time for bullshit but still some capacity for nuturing. I also learned that my core self-image as a weak and sentimental lover prevents me from talking to or even being in the same room with these women. But I also learned that I can change this self-image if I want to. I've always thought these women just didn't exist but now I'm pretty sure it's my own self image that prevents me from seeing them.
Most suprisingly, I've discovered a few very simple and inexpensive things that give fast and effective and sometimes instantaneous relief from a depressive state:
* music - just turning on the music can make the difference between me laying around the house all day vs getting a bunch of stuff done and feeling good about myself.
* caffeine (coffee, red bull) - I was always under the impression that caffeine was for energy, and anti-sleep agent. But I've discovered that when it feels like I'm wearing a wetsuit made of lead, can't move, can't think, everything sucks ... a quick jolt of coffee will make everything better.
* friends - I can now actually physically feel the effect of being around people that make me feel good. It makes me feel safe and happy. Typically I need coffee, music or both to get out and see friends though.
Given the above, I have no idea what my 400mg/day dose of Wellbutrin is doing for me. I'm afraid to get off it to find out. I put a lot of faith in the drug, which is probably a bit of a crutch at this point.
I'm very optimistic for 2007. I feel like I have much more ability to execute. I am still learning to detect when I am depressed and take action, but I'm way above where I was last year. I also feel that if I can't perform to the level of my own expectations (in terms of productivity, effectiveness, etc), it's really up to me to reset those expectations for myself and feel good about myself.
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peliom) wrote,
